Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Two men enter, one man leaves

I know I said I wouldn’t post any more entries about my job search until I actually landed a job, but as you’ve probably learned by now, I cannot be trusted. And forgiveness is the foundation of all solid relationships, so I feel we’re off to a good start.

I am vying for two positions right now – one at Company A and one at Company B, but for the purpose of this blog, let’s call them Company X and Company Y. Company X informed me that I’m now one of only two candidates being considered for the position. Calculus never was my strong suit in school, but I’m pretty sure that means I have a 33.3% chance of getting this job.

At Company X, I have already been called back for six different interviews, and they are proposing a seventh and final round to help them determine the best candidate. I say no. No more. There’s nothing that either of us can say that hasn’t already been said. I've got my interview rap down to such a science that I'm answering their questions before they even ask them. I even started bringing my own laughtrack to accompany my impromptu jokes. This has got to stop.

But I do understand and appreciate their need for a tie-breaker, so last week I emailed them my idea. What I am envisioning is something a little more definitive – something that will truly prove our commitment to their company. My recommendation is this: I propose we hold a winner-take-all Beyond Thunderdome type cage match. I don’t think that a fight to the death would be legally sanctioned in Illinois, nor do I particularly want this job that desperately, but at the very least, we should fight until someone cries “Uncle.” Or just cries.

Now, I’ve seen my competition, and he did look like one of those lanky, wiry guys who might be surprisingly strong, but I still think I may be able to outwit him. For one thing, it’s highly unlikely that he will be anticipating a cage match, so I immediately have the element of surprise. In addition, I’m older and more cunning. I have been hunting for a job for a long, long time now, and I have a little something I like to call the Eye of the Tiger working for me.

I can see it now: fake left, rush right! A strategically placed oil slick on the ground and BAM! - I’m one half-nelson away from that job!

I’m sure some of you are saying, “But Jenny! Violence isn’t the solution!”

Well, it may not be the solution, but it is the answer. I’m tired, people. Tired of talking. Tired of selling myself. Tired of explaining to prospective employers how the daily demands of keeping up a blog are even more taxing than most jobs. I’m done with words. Now is the time for action.

The HR team at Company X hasn’t been returning my calls ever since I sent them the suggestion for the cage match, so I assume it’s just taking them a little time to find the right venue. There aren’t a lot of post-apocalyptic fighting cages left in Chicago since Mayor Daley converted most of the original ones into “green spaces.” Not to get overly political here, but he’s the most anti-cage match politician I’ve ever run across.

In any case, I’m just focusing all my energy this week into training for my upcoming interview/battle. As soon as Company X calls, I’ll be ready!